


Famulus' Day Off: Family Feud

by mildlysinning (arka_r)



Series: Abrasax Family Splices: The Saga of Most Unfortunate Space Employees [2]
Category: Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Humor, Jupiter Ascending Fic Challenge, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:46:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4654632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arka_r/pseuds/mildlysinning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Famulus' holiday got cancelled, all no thanks to stupid Abrasax siblings conflict.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Famulus' Day Off: Family Feud

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rei_c](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rei_c/gifts).



> mmmm yep, rei_c is totally an enabler. this is all based from my comments (and their response) on their fic, [Cloning](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4553802)

Famulus should have suspected that something was definitely Not Right when a pigeon Splice of Lady Kalique found her at one of Lord Titus’ luxurious retreat on Celeste. She should have suspected something because no one, _absolutely no one_ , would hunt her down in this secluded place only to give her a bouquet of beautiful flowers and not wanting anything in return.

 

Goddamn Entitled and their stupid courtesies.

 

Still, she couldn’t disobey an Entitled, even if she most certainly didn’t serve to Lady Kalique. Even without that very blatant display of bribery. Lady Kalique was a goddamn Royal. Famulus was just a Splice (a very skilled one, but still a Splice).

 

So, _what the hells_ , why the bouquet?

 

In the end, it was curiosity that won Famulus over. She stepped on to the cruiser that would take her back to Lord Titus’ alcazar and braced herself for the worst.

 

\--

 

When she arrived, the alcazar was on fire.

 

Correction: The entrance to Lord Titus’ alcazar was _on goddamn fire_.

 

Famulus stood speechless at the landing pad, staring at strange green fire licking greedily at everything, climbing up the embroidered curtains (oh goodness, not the curtains; those were rare things coming from an already-Harvested planet and it would be _bitch_ to have it replaced). The ornate wooden doors and staircase handrails were lost cause. She had to call artisans to have them replaced. Later.

 

Feeling the beginning of what would be a monster headache, Famulus carefully side-stepped the throng of servitants and guards running around passing buckets in their fruitless attempt to douse the fire. Was the alcazar not equipped with the latest fire extinguisher system in case things like this happened? Cursing under her breath, Famulus grabbed a bulky droid in their arm, stopping them in their track.

 

“Why is the fire extinguisher not active?” she asked them.

 

“W-we don’t know, Miss Famulus! All systems went offline for a moment but when it went back online, nothing works as it should be!” the droid cried. She didn’t know a droid could even display panic. This one certainly did. She had to call coders to have all droids in the alcazar checked.

 

“Have you called the technicians?”

 

Silence. Something flitted through what should be the droid’s circuitry. They stuttered apologies before scurrying off to do just that. Goddamn useless waste of binary codes. Famulus trotted up the stairs, knowing that as soon as the systems went back online, the floor would be undoubtedly drenched.

 

\--

 

It didn’t take long for the whole household to realize that she was back from her aborted day-off. Soon, a flock of Splices and droids were trailing her, each one of them reciting their reports. Pietr, a part Splice-part cyborg who managed Lord Titus’ stocks in Abrasax Industries, in particular was voicing his displeasure quite vocally.

 

“This is _the second time_ already, Miss Famulus! Lord Balem was offering His Majesty an offer that he knew he couldn’t refuse! I already begged His Majesty to postpone at least until your return, but Lord Balem kept persuading him!”

 

Goddamn Lord Balem. It was as if His Smarminess deliberately did it each time she was taking day-offs. Oh, who she was kidding… _Of course_ Lord Balem would do just that. Lord Titus was awfully, _hilariously_ , bad at business. Without Famulus at his side, there would be no one advising him against any of Lord Balem’s attempts to steal his parts of inheritance in Abrasax Industries.

 

Well, there was Pietr; but Lord Titus just wouldn’t listen to him. What was the fucking point of having a financial advisor then.

 

“How much are we losing it this time?” Famulus twitched her ears in annoyance.

 

“About seventy-percent, Miss Famulus…”

 

Oh dear stars, she _really_ should’ve stayed at Celeste.

 

\--

 

Finally, after half an hour straightening deals and attempting to repossess what Lord Balem had taken, Famulus embarked to Lord Titus’ chambers.

 

The hallway was a path of destruction, the paintings tilted and torn and broken porcelains were all over the floor. Good heavens, it looked like someone had thrown quite a tantrum. Stupid Abrasax Primary Heirs and their legendary tempers. She called repair-bots before entering the chamber, ignoring two of Lord Balem’s Sargorns guarding the door.

 

First thing she noticed was: Lord Titus was in his bed, curling like a ball under several layers of thick blankets.

 

Discarded golden robes were all over the floor and bed. Those were wedding robes, Famulus noted. Shit. Did Lord Titus try to marry some girl he just met _again?_ No, seeing that Lord Titus was currently _sulking_ , she guessed that didn’t go as planned. Thank goodness.

 

Lady Kalique was sitting on the bed, occasionally patting the bundle of blankets lovingly, while Lord Balem was lounging on the couch, looking absolutely _glowing_ with satisfaction. That was so totally a smirk he directed at her as she was entering the room. Sick bastard, taking pleasure to his own brother’s misery.

 

“Your Highnesses”, she smiled sweetly at him and gave a courteous bow.

 

“Famulus”, Lady Kalique looked… relieved? “How was your holiday?”

 

Famulus blinked at her. If her guess was correct, that was Entitled-speak to ‘Thank goodness you’re finally back, now help me out with this’.

 

“That was rather short, Miss Famulus. Did you not enjoy your holiday?” Lord Balem asked this time.

 

Entitled-speak translation: ‘What are you doing coming back so soon, I haven’t sucked all of my brother’s money yet!’

 

“It was rather refreshing, My Lady, My Lord. Thank you for your concerns”, Famulus replied smoothly. Lord Balem’s smirk lessened a teensy bit. She high-fived herself mentally. Take that, Your Smarminess!

 

“Famuluuuuus…” the bundle on the bed wriggled a bit and there was His Brattiness, peering at her with big teary eyes. It was kind of adorable if it wasn’t so goddamn childish. If Lord Balem and Lady Kalique weren’t present, she would’ve dragged him to the bathing chamber, blankets and all, and dumped him in the tub.

 

Sometimes Famulus wondered if the late Lady Seraphi, may she rest in unrest, purposely designed Lord Titus to be the epitome of brattiness with none of her exemplary business skills. She would never understand these people.

 

“Yes, My Lord?” Famulus approached the bed. Lady Kalique stood up and strode off the room; and Famulus was _this_ close to begging her to stay. Lord Balem was still eyeing her so intensely that she could feel it at the back of her neck. That creep.

 

“I don’t understand… Why is she refusing my proposal? I’m the Third Primary of the House of Abrasax…” Lord Titus whined pitifully. “Is it because of my teeth?”

 

His… _what?_ Famulus blinked again. Behind her, Lord Balem let out an uncharacteristically loud snort.

 

“Miss Famulus, can you please tell my brother that he should be feeling gratitude that he’s not marrying someone of the Lower Houses? It’s not like I’m going to grant him permission to marry, anyway”, Lord Balem chuckled.

 

“Famulus, can you please tell my dear _old_ brother that he should shove his concerns up his ass? I’m the one who’s going to marry, not him”, Lord Titus shot back, still from under the blanket.

 

Oh goodness. If this was how both Abrasax brothers had been behaving when she was away, no wonder Lady Kalique was so eager to have her back.

 

At least they hadn't started killing each other. Yet.

 

\--

 

In the end, Famulus arranged an elaborate dinner because it was the polite thing to do. Because it was _expected_. Even if she really, _really_ , wanted to go back to Celeste, her job be damned.

 

She somehow managed to convince Lord Titus to freshen up (without dumping him in the tub too, what a miracle) and she _did_ begged Lady Kalique to stay please she couldn’t handle this ridiculous, old as fossil, dysfunctional family dinner just by herself. Based on experience, Lord Balem and Lord Titus would be at each other’s throat before main course could be served. By dessert, there would be lots of destruction done to the dining chamber.

 

The dinner was held at the Very Fancy Dining Chamber Number Four with the round table (she was so not going to deal with table arrangement; nope, not tonight). Lady Kalique arrived first, followed by Maledictes. She wore seafoam colored dress that shimmered under the lights and jewel-eyed dragonfly hairpin held her dark wavy hair. Lord Titus kissed her cheeks and pulled the chair for her. As they exchanged small talk, Maledictes sidled next to Famulus by the wall.

 

The owl splice was frowning.

 

Before she could ask what was his problem, Lord Balem swept into the room, dark-as-the-Void cloak trailed behind him. Lord Titus’ face grew darker at his brother's entrance, but Lady Kalique stood before he could throw a fit. Lord Balem kissed her fingers and took a seat to her left.

 

Chicanery Night scurried to stand with Famulus and Maledictes, looking way too cheerful for what would be yet another disastrous Abrasax family dinner. Knowing the rat, he probably had downed a bottle of whatever they were making under Lord Balem’s refineries these days before attending to his employer. Famulus shot him accusing look, but he shrugged nonchalantly in return.

 

Arranging dinner for all three Abrasax siblings was always tricky. Lord Balem preferred food that he could eat by hand and he loved anything exotic (like delicacies from Harvested-planet kind of exotic). Lady Kalique would eat bites of sweets between courses and hated anything too grisly in her sight. Lord Titus would never _ever_ touch three hundreds-sixty-eight kinds of food but wouldn’t mind seventy of them when cooked in a certain way. It wasn’t as tricky as it used to be, when Lady Seraphi was still alive, but it still gave Famulus and the cooks hells of a headache to figure out the courses each time.

 

That was why Famulus was so pleased when the second course passed and the siblings seemed to enjoy the meals to a certain degree. Okay, she certainly had never seen Lord Balem enjoying something that didn’t involve torturing his younger brother or destroying business rival… but he hadn’t stopped taking bites of that roasted-something from recently-Harvested Valos either, so she counted that as a win.

 

Throughout the meal, the brothers exchanged barbs and Lady Kalique would distract them by telling tales of planets she discovered during her latest travel before they could get more violent. Famulus asked the servitants that more wine was to be served generously. As the courses went on, the three siblings got drunker and drunker.

 

Which made quite a sight, since Lady Kalique would flirt to anyone and everyone when she had too much alcohol in her system and Lord Balem was a weepy kind of drunk.

 

Meanwhile, Lord Titus had long passed out on the table.

 

Night offered a flask filled with something strong-smelling to her. Famulus accepted it gratefully.

 

It would be a long time until her next holiday.


End file.
